A very pleasant day

My friend came over from Wigan today and we did some shopping and had some lunch then sat outside a pub and had a few drinks (soft drinks of course). Before we knew it it was time for her to get the train home and I am now relaxing.

I bought some rose bushes from Woolie for a £1 each and need to plant them so may go out and do that in a bit now the sun has set and I might water my plants after the lovely hot day we had today.

Feel apprehensive about work tomorrow as the new system is in and whilst I was great when we did the role play when I was practising on my own yesterday I seemed to struggle. Fingers crossed I get by ok, I know I wont be on my own we are all in the same boat but I dont think I can remember anything!

Is it the weekend yet?

Been on earlies this weekend, only 8 hour shifts though so not too bad. Finished work at 4pm yesterday and as I had made a chilli during my break I got stuck straight into painting the bathroom. Had a bath, had my tea and then did my ironing. So I managed to complete the 5 items on my motivational list and slighlty more besides. I was shattered though be 9pm and nodded off watching tv. I really do push myself far too hard.

My friend is coming over from wigan on wednesday and I do so want the bathroom to be finished by then but I doubt its going to happen. Tomorrow night I will need to tidy the house up and I just wont have the energy left by then. It will look presentable anyway.

My five items for this week are:

1. Pamper myself for one night
2. Sort all my items for sale on ebay (there are lots)
3. Declutter my airing cupboard (who needs over a dozen duvet sets)
4. Finish the bathroom and "dress" the room
5. Go to the gym and get some exercise

Less than last week but I think I deserve it with only having one day off.

Work has been ok, I seem to be getting on fine with everyone now. Its amazing how things can be misunderstood and I agree talking is the best policy but sometimes its very hard to say to someone "do you have a problem with me". Most of the time they will feel put on the spot and therefore say "no". Sometimes your not ready to hear what they have to say. I am ready for anything now.

The nights are getting lighter and apart from one visit a few weeks ago I have not seen my hedgehogs. I do hope they have been creeping in the garden and that before long I will hear the heady noise of them mating (they make a racket I can tell you)

My good mate is moving nearer to me and I cant wait. We used to work together behind the bar many years ago and at the time I was tall and skinny (god I wish I still was, skinny not tall) and she was little and dumpy (sorry K) but we would tell everyone that we were sisters. She came to visit me once in hospital and when it was time to go she sat on a chair with a curtain just covering her face so the staff would not see her and chase her out. She got a cup of tea when they found her. Think they took pity on her with her seeming a bit deranged lol....she brought me a large card signed by the regulars in the pub. They signed things like "two pints of bitter" or larger and bitter etc and we both knew exactly who they were from the orders. Wonder what happened to that card.

Anyway I will stop going down memory lane for now and go and watch some tv before my final day at work before my one rest day. New computor system is being installed across the county at 3am on friday morning, it will be a nightmare so no calling the emergency services in a hurry....

Feeling brighter today, worked till four, shot to Asda then came home to paint the bathroom walls! Thats the trouble with spring it makes everywhere look dull. I then jumped into the shower and went to the chinese for a takeaway. Going to watch some tv just now and plan my day tomorrow. I have yet to do my ironing which is taking over my bedroom now. I need to finish the bathroom and do my ironing as priorities everything else can wait. I have wednesday and thursday off this week and my friend is coming to visit on wednesday and thursday I am working 5 hours overtime so I wont have much time left for little old me. I need to start the gym again as well as I am forever expanding and can see me turning into my my and that was not good.

A bit down today

I am feeling a bit low today, the sun was shining and I had the day off but now I feel a bit low. I met my friend for late breakfast and we had a natter, not done this with her for ages only ever spoken to her of late when she was at work in the local supermarket. She sent me a nice text afterwards saying she had enjoyed our morning and looking forward to the next which was nice. I then popped into the local DIY store and for the second time this week bumped into a male friend of mine Martin. We met on an internet dating site a couple of years back and hit it off on our first night out which was to a friends 40th wedding party. For some reason the moment passed between us and we have remained just friends ever since. Although he lives in the same town we have never bumped into each other in all the time we have known each other and then today twice in one week. Why I am telling you this I dont know but I think it started me on the what could have been thoughts and although we have now totally gone in different directions it could have been good or is he better as a mate??? we email each other almost every day to catch up on things, he helps with advice for tradesmen, consumer items etc and prepared to do wood work jobs if I ask him. He has never refused to help in some way (not when I have been weeping and wailing mind you). I guess because the sun is out and all my mates have partners I am starting to feel the pinch so to speak....hopefully it will pass....

Rest day what rest day?

I am still trying to find my way around on here and for those of you that have been commenting on my blog dont think I am ignoring you for some reason it wont let me reply. I need to speak to my little sis Kate to explain where I am going wrong. I will sort it soon and get chatting.

My list of motivational things is not getting any lower but tomorrow I may be able to cross a few off. Really it should be of nice things that we should do for ourselves instead of chores. I might try that next monday.

Life is ok for me just now, only blip on the horizon is seeing my daughter at work, NEVER encourge your children to work in the same company as you heed my word.

Tomorrow morning I am going for a blood test, I have been suffering from weak limbs and muscles for some time but its getting worse and worse. I dread carrying anything as I dont know if I will manage it and before I tried to get up from the bath and I did not think I was going to make it, my arms are so weak. Strange thing is my sister who lives down south is suffering very similar symptoms and I have only just found out she has been having tests. I wonder if it is something genetic she thinks its viral, but mine has gone on far too long and is progressing.

I have really enjoyed getting back in touch with my friends, having breakfast/lunch with one tomorrow, she is in a similar position to me with one of her kids so we will moan together and know that we are not alone. The friend whose 50th birthday party I missed is coming over next wednesday and we are going to shop and I will treat her to lunch for missing her do. Then the following week I am going to the pictures with another friend. Its lovely to have friends. Oh by the way Kate do you realise you are my oldest (in time not age) friend it must be 25 years or thereabouts. Do we get to celebrate golden oldies!

Nearly my days off

I am shattered, walked into work this morning (in heels) calling at the post office on the way to post some parcels and tax my car (its gone up again). Worked for 10 hours and then walked home (still in heels). Had a quick shower, made some tea, sorted all the animals and the squirrel watched corrie from last night and now its time for bed! Work takes over my life.

Saw my brat of a child with her "fancy" man laughing as if she does not have a care in the world. I really hope she doesn't have any cares but it still hurts to think she can put a work mate before her mam....never mind life goes on.

So far I have only done one item on my list of 5 motivational things for this week. Will complete them all I promise.

Glad to see my boys Manchester United won their match this evening...not sure who I want them to play in the final the jury is still out on that one. They slogged their guts out in the last few minutes, god bless Scholes....

I will have to drag my sorry ass to bed now as my whole body is starting to sieze up and pretty soon I wont make it up the stairs. Been to the doc and she did listen to me, having a barrage of blood tests to see whats going on. She said they may end up testing for MS but need to rule other things out first. They lied when they said life begins at 40 I am nearly 50 and it all went down hill from 40....

night night folks

Five things to motivate me this week

After reading Chrisb's blog I am going to list five things to achieve this week:

1. Pull the weeds up from under the bird table
2. Meet up with my old work mate for lunch and a natter
3. Get the doctor to listen when I tell her my symptoms instead of being rushed and forgetting half of them until I walk out the door.
4. My ironing (well everyone else seems to be doing theirs)
5. Take time to sit with my cats and give them a good brush for the spring

Not very taxing I agree but its a step in the right direction.

I feel old

Well I arrived back from my holiday in dire need of another one! I had a wonderful time with my family and duly arrived at the airport at 4.00am on thursday morning to join a very large queue. Three flights were all checking in at the same desks and there is no room for the very large queue so people zig zag around the terminal. As I reached the front of the queue I told my family to go as they had work to get to and it was a very early start. Two minutes later I was being told that I was not on the list my flight was for the next day! My family by this time had driven off and I had no contact telephone numbers for them. The thought of spending the next 27 hours in the airport reduced me to tears. I was told for the price of £270 I could still get this plane out! I turned them down.

The decision was taken to stay at the airport until the next morning. I booked my suitcase into left luggage had some breakfast and then got the bus into the centre of Warsaw. Armed with a little bit of information and a map I decided to see some sights. The sun was shining and it was like a lovely english summer day. I headed to the Warsaw Uprising Museum something I had wanted to see for a long time. There was a slight problem there I needed the toilet and when I asked I was told there was none! Whilst looking at the exhibits you can hear what sounds like a heart beating, each beat getting louder and louder. At first you hardly notice it, then you can feel the vibrations on the floor it builds up and up until you realise its the sound of bomber planes flying over and then they start to drop bombs. Even though I knew it was "pretend" it made you realise how scarey this would have been in real life. It made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

After I left there I went back into the centre. The bus and tram service is great you pay 7.20 pln (just over a pound) and you can hop on and off as many buses and trams as you like. Each bus comes up with the name of the stop on an electric board inside so you can locate where you are. I headed into a very large shopping centre and had some lunch. I had always wanted to visit the museum of science. It looks like a large cake in tiers, very impressive. I had heard the views from the top were magnificent and I decided that I would visit there. After a very quick lift ride to the top the views were indeed magnificent and with the weather being so clear it was well worth the 20pln (approx £4) to get up there.

I finally returned to the airport and spent the rest of my wait loitering between one terminal and the next, viewing planes departing and arriving from the observation deck. I sat in the sun and read a book I had purchased and tried to get comfortable whilst counting down the time.

Finally, it was time to depart. Thankfully I had booked extra leg room seats for only an extre £3.50 each way well worth the money. I arrived home to discover a large sore and itchy rash all over my legs. My skin is so sore to touch despite the rash now having gone.

I did not make it to my friends 50th birthday party, I had only had two hours sleep when I had woken up for something to eat. I decided to go back and sleep until 7pm which would give me an hour to then get ready and go to the party some 20 miles away. Unfortunately, I knocked the alarm off and slept until almost midnight. I am still feeling the affects of little sleep and fighting off a migraine. Tomorrow I will talk about the time with my family....

Sunday bloody sunday again

Tomorrow morning I fly to Warsaw to visit my folks, only for three nights but I am so looking forward to it. Only sad thing is there will be an empty seat next to me where my daughter should have been. However, there is nothing I can do about that, she has her opinions and I have mine and whilst there is some slight room for compromise I dont trust her so it would be pointless. I need to leave her to grow up a bit more and she that life does not have to be either or but with some work you can have it all or almost. I hope one day she realises what it feels like to be told one thing only for another thing to be true. I hope she realises how she humiliated me for her own ends before she would say "mum I need to talk to you". To be lied to over every little thing is a real bitter pill to swollow.

I have, however, gone from strength to strength over the last 7 weeks. I hit rock bottom and she broke my heart pure and simple, but hearts have a way of keeping going and the brain kicks in to make us see reason and step by step little things happen to renew our faith not only in ourselves but in others. I have my network of friends firmly back in place and some new ones have joined in along the way. I feel more confident in my work place, I am keeping myself to myself with regards the bitch fest that goes on in there, I wont be party to any of that anymore. I laugh more and make people laugh more (with me not at me). I have embraced the new computor system in work with gusto and I am soaring with it, whereas some of the know it alls in there are really struggling and the difference was spotted by the right people. I did not have to do a thing just be me. I got a pat on the back yesterday and I did feel proud. Its a step in the right direction of turning around my crappy PDR to a super one next time. So watch this space....

My squirrel is back visiting me, I was so relieved to see she had survived the winter and is looking bright eyed and plump (maybe babies!). She is getting cheekier and cheekier. When I figure out how to add a pic I will do so...but for now I will bid farewell as I have a colour on my hair and if I dont wash it off I will be bald.......

Cant be bothered today

I had planned to do all my chores so I had a free day and now I have I am bored stiff. Woke up feeling in one of those moods where I cant be bothered to do anything. Week two of my diet and I have totally lost the plot, cant see the point in it anymore, if I stick to it to the letter it does not work, if I try and it healthy well balanced food it does not work. The only thing that seems to happen is I keep gaining weight. I was so motivated last week until the weigh in. I enjoy the class but dont like the weigh in I might speak to the teacher and ask if I can skip the weight in and just do the class. After all if I dont want to know what I weigh why should it matter.

Another day

Today has been a much better day, although I have not managed to get to the gym I have been quite productive in one way or another. I finally brought my new travel case out of the boot of the car, its only been in there 15 days. I have so far packed a light weight dressing gown! Lets hope my fuddled brain remembers to pack some more items otherwise it could be embarrishing....(dont think thats spelt right). I am getting more and more excited about flying to Warsaw although two early starts will near on polish me off, going is not as bad as the return that flight departs at 6.10 in the AM!!!! One of my dear relatives sent me a letter one day and instead of saying "Sweetie" it got lost in translation and became "Sweaty" now this name has stuck with my english friends and makes me laugh everytime I hear it. I dont speak much Polish and they dont speak much english and one of my close relatives has sent me an email saying she has a secret love to tell me about. That should be so interesting with a dictionary and lots of miming, but trust me we do get to have a good old gossip. Maybe I will look for a polish love for myself now that would be a turn up for the books!

On the friday I am off to an 50th birthday party in Wigan. I have not seen my friend for approx two years although we do email and chat on the phone. I am looking forward to it. We used to work in a pub together and really got on well. It was strange really because she was not particularly liked in there as she did not appear to have a sense of humour but we found plenty to laugh about together. She is kind and caring and trustworthy and there is a lot to be said for that. I hope I wont feel like a wall flower though as about 120 people will be going and I will only know any that she invited from the pub.

I made some lovely lentil broth today with smoked bacon in it, totally healthy for my diet and very very delicious, I ate the pan full. Lucky for me its no syns but boy I cant wait for winter as it will be a nice warm filling meal with some crusty bread......

Anyway enough of my aimless chatter....I think its time for bed....good night one and all.....

Sunday bloody sunday

Had a poor nights sleep last night, woke at 4am and spent a while tossing and turning...work was going around and around in my head. Why cannot not just keep my mouth shut and my head down and get on with things, why do I always want something and feel the need to stretch my mind. Answers on a postcard please....

I am a regular suffer of migraine, made worse my my up and coming menopause, was having 3-4 a month each lasting for 3 days (never any more and never any less). Doc prescribed a nightly dose to prevent them but warned I might get one or two "break through" ones, well one decided to break through and run for my brain on friday and its just packing its bags ready to vacate again. I went into work feeling lousy and only managed just short of two hours before I decided that it was making things worse and I made my apologies and left. Have spent a lazy afternoon and now as its lifting I get my rush of energy when I feel like I want to clean the house from top to bottom or decorate a room or two. I will contend with doing some housework to save me having to do it tomorrow as thats my first of two days off work and I want to do something different.

The sun is out this evening and I have been watching all the birds who pop into my tiny little garden for food. I am waiting to see the family of babu blue tits that will some descent with mum and dad. Its lovely to watch them call the babies and then proceed to feed each and every one, then as they get older they learn to feed themselves. They fly together in a small swarm and are a delight to listern to with their songs. I have a squirrel called Tilly that visits my garden, I know its her because part of her tail is missing. She tends to come daily but so far this year I have not seen her but nuts have gone out of her special feeder. I hope she comes into view soon.

I am a big softie at heart, I long to live on a narrow boat on a canal with my five cats and nature. Its been my dream for so long, I hope one day it happens.

Saturday night

Another day over and I am beginning to think I just dont get the point of the job I do. I work for the emergency services, the job itself is fine but I just dont get the "team". Dont get me wrong I have worked in teams before, of all ages, I have never struggled so much to understand what makes people tick. Take the team leader, nice enough guy but he must have one sore backside from sitting on the wooden fence. He is ex army and therefore will be a man's man. So the guys in the team are fine as its "all guys together". He has no idea how to work with women of a certain age who know their own minds and like to speak up about injustices in the work place. There are four team leaders altogether, three females and two males. I have had both the males as team leaders. The first one, had such tunnel vision if something did not directly concern him he was oblivious to it. As long as his "stats" made the grade thats all that mattered, a persons well being in the work place was irrelevant. The good thing about him is you could never tell if he liked you or not as he treated you all exactly the same, he was just much happier if everyone got on with the job and left him to do his. The second one is the fence sitter, he has done my PDR and screwed any career I hope to have in the remaining 16 years I have to work. One of the female team leaders is fairly new in post and was best mates with half her team, now if they decided to ignore the work and skive she is not able to say anything to them. She is a really nice person but should never have been put in charge of a team half full of her best mates. One of the other females is a control freak who had serious complaints from her team members and some not in her team and people were leaving naming her as the reason, she has changed dramatically since the last one went as HR intervened. That leaves one more and she is fine, as far as I can see but does have a tendancy to letting people know if she does not like them and will pick on them to make up for her feeling that way. Why do they do the job, each and everyone of them have said "for the money". I want to do my job to get something out of it as well as the money but all I get is frustration. I may as well bang my head against a brick wall. We are all currently in training for a new system and we are given time in twos to practice. I made a suggestion to stream line the time wasted getting organised to do the training which eats into the hour slot we are allocated. My team leader dismissed it. I am not saying I am brill in any way but he could have heard me out and given it a go. I do have a fast array of qualifications and have worked for a top consultant at a hospital, I have brought up two kids alone from the age of 22, I have worked my back off and have experienced a fair bit in my life, but they treat me as if I am old and doddery and just fit to answer the phone, take my wages and go home. The job is not good for my health and it certainly is not bringing the best out in me. To be labeled arguementative on your PDR is like kicking the chair away from a hanging man - the end...

Other than that I have a mirgraine, the reason I have put so much weight on of late is that I currently take medication nightly to prevent migraines, the side effect is weight increase. I have not had a migraine since 20 Feb but was warned break through ones would happen. So I am double pissed I am fatter and my head still bloody hurts......

I will attempt to get back and say hi to the good friends of kates that have dropped by to say hello. Please do carry on and I will figure out how to reply to you on my next rest day which is monday. Only just over a week to go till I fly to Warsaw to see my kin folk....I hope it will be an enjoyable restful for days...

Diets bloody diets

Well I was unable to bring myself to blog last night, I was mortified that I had stuck to my new diet regime to the letter, not an unplanned morsel of food passed my lips, I sweated it out at the gym and the result!!!!! A half a bloody pound off! What I said..............how come the first week is suppose to be a good loss of mostly water am I the sarhara dessert all of a sudden? I was ready to jack it in there and then but got talking to one of the regulars at the class, Janet you were a saviour. Then in walked another newbe and she had lost, wait for it (or weight for it....see that little pun there, god you still have your humour dont you girl) anyway I digress she lost 10lb in one week her first week!!!! Now dont get me wrong I was pleased for her (yeah right) but were did my weight loss go???? Teacher checked my food sheet were every item was clearly listed and yes I had done everything correctly so why no loss. I am still dieting and the teacher said give it a few weeks to see but tonight for the first time I want to cut a big piece of lancashire cheese and eat it with some vine rippened tomatoes....but I wont I am going to loose this weight before I turn 50 if it kills me!

Back at work today, I was bored stiff after an hour. I checked my emails and caught up on new working directives and then I was ready for home. I have come to the conclusion that this job does absolutly nothing for me, it brings out the worst in me at times and I have been told today I need to become more detached from people and treat them as if they are not real. For god sakes I work for the emergency services its a bit much to have to treat people like they dont exist.

I had my PDR (Personal development review). Now this can make or break your career and to be totally honest with you mine has just sealed my fate of never being able to move out of the department that I am in. I felt like I was getting a really bad school report. I like to do a job well, I thrive on pushing myself and trying to do this right and learn from my mistakes but on paper I look like I am a non team player. Like I said to my team leader, "you cant be a team player if the team dont let you play". I dont know where its all gone wrong, my first PDR with this company different department said my best attribute was my personality as I got on with people from all levels and this one is saying I have personality clashes, I made him add a bit more on it though to soften it a bit and he assures me I am not the only one with that on their record. I get frustrated in the work place, I like to be busy and I like to do a job well. I also like to treat people as I would like them to treat me. Its not a lot to ask for, yet in this job I feel that despite having a wealth of knowledge born about through being nearly 50 and bringing two kids up on my own whilst working and studying to get my list of qualifications that I am just there to get paid and not get anything back from the job. I dont know the answer to this problem at all and think should I just look for work outside the organisation but I am suddenly trapped in the money web, which a lot of disgruntled and miserable staff are, we get paid more money then we would elsewhere and its hard to take a large pay cut especially the likes of me who lives alone. Oh I long for some peace of mind....

Thanks to those that have left comments on my blog, I have tried to return the honours but on some there is no link for me to comment on, bare with me and I am sure my good friend will point me in the right direction.

Wednesday weigh in

Not written for a few days, I have been off working and taking time out for me. I have been doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it and sticking to my diet and gym plan. Tonight's the weigh in lets see if I have lost any of the 51lb I want to lose.

Back at work tomorrow and I will be glad to get back into a routine, I enjoy a few days off but would not like every day to be the same.

Checked my internet banking last night to discover that the lovely people from N power had taken my extremely high direct debit out of my account twice! I am in the process of changing supplier (its now gone through so they decided to grab an extra payment. When I advised them that the idea was to bill the final amount to the customer he very sheepishly agreed to refund it. Cheeky monkeys. A word of warning N power customer services leaves a lot to be desired.....

Not long to go till I fly off on my hols for a few days to Europe to see my family, they say the weather is nice but a bit windy so I suppose its just like here.

Had one of those days where when you try to do something it has a knock on effect and you end up having to do more, i.e made a brew and left it to go cold as I was putting together a casserole for tea. So I made a fresh brew and finally say down to drink it, the cat wanted to sit on the arm of the sofa so I moved a magazine for him which slipped knocked the full brew over and ended up soaking my fire side rug which I then put directly into the wash only to spill fabric softner all down the front of the cupboard. My own fault I try to do too much at once.
Moral of the story, make a brew and drink it, sod the casserole and have a takeaway...

Sunday Evening

Not written for a few days, things are getting better in my world. First of all I am going great with my slimming world. I actually taste the food now and not just give a quick chew and then swallow it. I treated myself (within my allowance) to a packet of fruit gums, they have never tasted so good. I indugled in each and every one and really enjoyed the flavour. Boy I cant wait for the next time!

I have never eaten so much healthy food, having a dent in my pocket but only until I get sorted with the things I need to have in. I am scared in case I get hungry and eat the bad things due to not having the right things in stock. Although I have never felt hungry yet. I just hope the scales show I have lost something as it feels I am not dieting.

Not done a lot today, I am off work until thursday, I had a good sleep dreamt I was cuddling the guy off Homes under the Hammer (martin) which was very pleasant for me at least. Had a lazy day and listed items to sell on ebay. I upgraded my mobile the other day and never thought about selling my old one until a girl in work showed an interest. Did not want to sell it to someone I know because as soon as something goes wrong she would be pestering me. I have previously sold my old ones to a company on the internet and found it very lucrative. Decided to shop around a bit and got offered £81 for it!!!!! I would have been happy with £40 so I am well chuffed. I just have to post it to them and wait for the cash to come rolling in.

Off to Warsaw in two weeks and at first I was not looking forward to it and now I cant wait it will be great to see my father's family again and maybe learn more about my dad.

For those of you that dont know my dad came over to england after the war and worked as a coal miner until he became sick with cancer he died aged 46 and had never got to see his family since he left due to the communist rule. It was sad that he never returned as there are some lovely places in Poland. I was only a child when he died and slowly I am piecing together bits of his life and seeing photographs of relatives no longer with us and it makes me feel closer to my dad. He escaped going to a concentration camp, although not jewish he was a strong young male who was required by the germans to assist in whatever they wanted him to do, he managed to escape and survive but god alone knows what terrors he witnessed and I will never know, but I loved him with all my heart and still miss him to this day.....

Enough for now...time for another brew me thinks....

The start of a new me

Joined Slimming world last night, my clothes were getting more and more uncomfotable and it was time to take control. I stayed to class and the time flew, gathered all the information I needed and with my new found motivation I have started. I was up at a decent time this morning as I had a GP appointment so after a light breakfast I dressed for the gym and called in for my visit to the Doctor. Appears I have a chest infection, so the pains I feel in my back are not my team mates sticking pins in me! I could havev side swerved the gym on hearing this but I decided to go and see how I got on. I did a total of 55 minutes cardiovascular work and took it slowly as not been for over a month. I feel very motivated and have pencilled in gym time for all the next week, however, work commitments prevent me going friday and saturday but fingers crossed I will stay motivated. Do not want to be fat and fifty which is fast approaching...

I am working on being better on the inside and the outside to give the whole package to me for me if you know what I mean, I am not doing it for anyone other than ME!

I have 9 months to get into shape for my 50th....all support appreciated....I caught sight of my near naked body in the mirror last night on route from the bathroom to the bedroom! shock horror I thought someone was following me around but it was my massive rear.....it has to go not all of it but my target is 51lbs. I can only benefit from that...

Another day over and two days off up ahead. Not a bad day today at work, I have started to build the boundaries in work as I was advised. I was busy working away when one of my team "mates" decided to poke her nose in to what I was doing. The same team "mate" that refused to budge her car for near on 30 mins to allow a stafff member to park. Lucky for me for once the Team leader was listening and he agreed with me (although he did not voice it aloud to her) that she had no right poking her snout in. Upshot was she started immediately sending notes around to another team mate (Lynn get a life I am not stupid). But revenage is sweet, there was a lot of comings and goings of me with the boss and lots of laughter between me and him and she was breaking her neck trying to find out what it was about. My boss knows full well I want my privacy protecting in there and we dont give the likes of her an inch. It may not sound much but god it was bloody good fun.

I am so tired today though, I finished work at 3pm and thought I would be ok for a chilling night but as soon as I sat down to watch tv I started to nod and now getting a headache so think I need to occupy my mind for a bit and stay awake a bit longer then get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow I start at Slimming World, I have been piling on the pounds and my clothes are getting tight so the flab needs to go. I am hoping that combining slimming world with 4 trips minimum a week to the gym will help me get sorted. I feel very motivated and like this new "dont suffer fools me"....

Going to make a brew and call a friend for a catch up natter.....Kate hurry up and get your phone back so I can chat!!!!

Monday

Only one more day to work and then I have two days off, yipee.....to give you an idea of the type of people I work with there is Lynn she moans a lot, and I mean a lot. Nothing is ever good, happy or funny in her world. She is the size of a malnourished twigglet because she lives on tea and fags and for a woman of her age its not attractive to be so thin your own heart will start eating itself. Well she was kindly asked to move her car back a very slight touch to allow another staff member from a different department to park in front of hers. (Parking is at a premium at work). She decided to "make them wait", she was reminded ten minutes later and ranted on about how cheeky it was blah blah blah. Was she busy during this time I hear you ask? No she was sat moaning about nothing in particular other than how cheeky this person was asking her to move HER car and why should she etc etc. After 25 minutes (whilst the staff member was sat waiting in her car to park I may add). She decided to go and move it. Now there is a twist to this story, the staff member was none other than my daughter. I did not get involved as we are daggers drawn at present after she told me she wanted to make her own mistakes and I was an unfit mother etc. The staff member could have been anyone and I strongly believe that Lynn had no right whatsoever to treat another person that way. I ended up emailing the Manager and advising him that the petty ways of people like her are what makes the job so horrible. So I got it off my chest. Now put the boot on the other foot and if I had done that to her or her child she would have been livid. Whats the morale of the story. TREAT PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED YOURSELF. Its not hard have compassion and caring and think before you bloody well speak.

I had a short chat with Jo a really nice young bubbly person who started the same time as I did. She works on a different team but in the same department. She was saying how miserable she felt and its not the actually job its the bloody selfish people. She said she was struggling to talk to people as she felt her face did not fit (something I have had problems with). We decided that team leaders are not worth the paper they are written on, some are too friendly with staff and cannot discipline them, others are not people persons and some are just plain wet! Jo's answer is to look for alternative employment. So the firm will lose a good decent person and leave the crap behind to annoy me. I dont know what the answer is, I am too old pension wise to start elsewhere but know I feel frustrated and unrespected by most of my "team". God help us if there is ever a third world war, they would be queuing up to grass you to the enemy....rant over.....

Saturday night

Saturday evening and all is well, my little furry friends (the cats) are all asleep and the house is nice and quiet for a change. My friend in work told me her little cat got run over on friday evening. She had not had her long, she rescued her from undesirables and had just had her seen to at the vets. Thats the reason my babies are all house cats, I could not bear the thought of them being run over my some speed merchant. I have a responsiblity to them and I will care for them to the best of my ability. They have a box full of toys (and they help themselves when they want). They have beds all over the house and two of the girls even sleep in the warm airing cupboard from time to time. Goodnight god bless Kitty....

An uneventful day at work, oops that reminds me clocks go forward so thats a 4am start instead of a 5am start.....think I will leave it as long as humanly possible and then rush off to work at the last minute lucky for me my hair is short as it wont take long to dry....

I kept myself to myself at work, spoke when spoken to and got on with my job the rest of the time. Heard on the grapevine that my daughter has been to the doctor suffering dizzy spells, whilst she will always be my daughter she can look after herself after all thats what the major fall out was over.

I seem to be struggling keeping on top of my day to day chores. My house seems to be getting cluttered, my paperwork and things to do were piling up, just been on internet banking and paid all my monthly bills, my cupboards are stocked with my montly food. They are so full you cant find anything. I need to get motivated and get going on it all but I have been up and on the go since 5am or just after this morning. Come wednesday my next day off I will blitz the place as I cant stand clutter it makes me stressed and tired.

Where are all the people out there in cyber space, come read my blogs and chat.....

Well almost the end of the day and after the lousy start it has manged to redeem itself.

I met my friend S..... we worked together a while ago and at the time did not seem to have an lot in common but we met for lunch and it lasted three hours! We have a lot more in common than I ever realised and lunch was great. We talked and talked and she has been a really good tower of strength for me. We are both single parents who never got any help off our ex partners and whist our kids are grown she made me realise were I am going wrong, its like a big flashing beacon I have no respect from my kids or most of the people at work. I have no problems with the people that know me well they respect me and its so much easier to be with them. I have a massive mountain to scale and right now I dont have the energy but I will get there.

Friends are the nicest things in the whole world to have, I am fortunate that whilst I have neglected mine of late when I needed them each and every true friend has been there for me. I trust them with my life and know that I will not let time or distance get in the way again. I will make the effort for them as they do for me. Thank you.

Now I really need my bed, might be menopausal but my womb and ovaries have forgotten that today and it feels like there is an elephant kicking around in my insides.....so its a hot drink of milk, some pain killers and watching tv in bed with my cat by my side.....such bliss on a friday night.....so one and all I bid you goodnight for tomorrow is another day (and I have to be up at 5am for work).

A sleepless night

Not too good a day today, I was so sleepy last night I struggled to stay awake. Had 30 mins of sleep then woke up and struggled to get back to sleep. Late at night in the darkness is the time for all your worries and cares to come flooding back. The more I tried to shut them out the more they banged on the door to be let in. I ended up going over all the things my daughter had said about me and have let the negative stuff drag me down today. It was almost 4am before I shut my eyes again only to endure not such pleasant dreams. I have had to force myself to gt out of bed as I am meeting an old work mate for lunch. All the things I was told the other day about nurturing me and not caring what people think about me is right there sat at the forefront of my mind. There is not enough time in the day to change 49 years of negative thoughts and to be honest how do you change? How can you start thinking your a nice person if you dont believe it? How do you stop silently judging people and how come they have the authority to judge me but I am not suppose to care about that.....I am so confused, lack of sleep and meds that make me sleepy do not help the situation at all. The rain is pouring down and I flit from anger at my daughter to upset that she felt that she had to tell others how she felt about me before she told me. How can people who treat othes badly sleep easy at night whilst I try my hardest to treat people the right way struggle to sleep at night also!

Well its pay day and I have a long list of items to stock the cupboards, by the time midnight comes I will be broke again. There is far too much of the wrong things in this world.

Well so far my plans to get up early and go to the gym lasted all of five seconds. I over slept and have just eaten my breakfast now and its 12.30! My house is a tip and people that know me know that I wont do anything on the pleasure side until my chores are done. Come to think of it that is a trait I inherited from my mother. I remember sunday morning, my sisters and I were woken to the Warsaw Concerto blasting as a wake up call. We were given chores for the day and all worked together to get them done whilst the dinner cooked. We would be starving (well not really but it seemed it) and could smell the roast dinner cooking away. But boy was it worth it when dinner was served and then we were left to do our own thing. I have to say the meal was more enjoyable as we knew all are chores were done and the reward was the lovely meal.

I have decided to have a go at making some tasty soups that are wholesome and easy to transport to work for my lunch or teas as I am eating far too much bread and its all piling up around my middle. I found some receipes that my sister had written down that look so easy, just throw the items into the slow cooker and wait! So i have my little list and I will make a nice lamb broth today and let you know how it goes. Cheap and cheerful, if its healthy and tasty as well I cant go wrong.

I am off on my hols soon, I was not looking forward to it until yesterday, I was due to go with my daughter but from previous posts you will know we fell out big style. I decided to still go as we were staying with family abroad so I wont be on my own. It will be sad looking at her seat next to mine on the plane, but at least I wont have anyone sat next to me! I will get some TLC which is just what I need right now.

Each day gets better, I am only taking one day at a time and I know things will go down hill on some occasions. I tell you what hacks me off big style though, the organisation that I work for is worse then the secret service they know EVERYTHING that you do. I had my trip to welfare yesterday that was suppose to be between me and my manager and my supervisor knew but only as I had told him in confidence. I walked in and the acting supervisor KNEW where I had been and started asking in front of the office "do you feel better for that" "has it made a difference". Christ they put imberciles doing the job of adults. I was not happy and told the supervisor who came out with some story that he had to tell him. Sorry but BOLLOCKS! This acting supervisor is mates with my bloody daughter, can you see were I am going on this. I have told my supervisor that one day my daughter and I will talk it may be years but we will talk and if he has divulged my private business to her his head will roll. Why oh why cant people keep the mouths shut, they see it as knowledge is power. Sod off its just being a nosey get. OOppps was getting on my soap box there, its ok I have climbed down now.

Right my chores await and I need to do some before I can enjoy my day off, tomorrow I have my massive monthly shop to do and I need to get a hair cut and meet my friend for lunch so it will be busy. I am aiming to attend the gym for a class tomorrow early evening so keep posted I might just make it!

Not long back from my visit that I was dreading (all to do with work) apparently I need to set boundaries and change the way I think about people. I need to put me first and foremost and let others get on with their own problems. Oh and I need to learn to relax. So I will be trying to sort myself inside and out and see if I can be the happier person I want to be. Apparently noone will love you unless you love yourself and we have to leave our children to make their own mistakes but its ok not to be there to clean up the mess they make afterwards. I broke my record on days without tears but there were no where near as many as I can produce and I have no headache! I have been taken off shifts for 4 weeks, have to work 9-5, yippe gets me out of full nights yet again!! So folks anyone reading this let me know if you see a change in me (for the better of course).

I am skiving now I was due to have my two appointments and then if I was ok to go to work. I would have had an hour then broke for lunch, I decided to come home and go in after lunch and get some continuity in my day.

Now the serious stuff, I am being guided on how to do this blog thing, I love reading other peoples, pity most of them are in a language I cant understand but the photos look brill. My good friend (you know who you are) is guiding me and has told me to leave comments on peoples blogs so watch out you lot I am coming. Any guidance greatfully received and if you just want to say hello or that my posts are intesting, boring or whatever drop me a line and I promise I will reply. In other words welcome into my world. I can guarantee I can talk....
hope to speak to you all later....

see ya

Just finished work, this evening I have been called "bastard pig", and "stupid bloody woman" amongst other things. Oh the joy of being in work.

One more day until my days off and then I am going to hit the gym. My clothing is getting very tight, there has to be more than comfort eating in my life. I have decided to try and heat healthy meals and not fill up on crap. Its nearly pay day and I have compiled a list of food items that should enable me to make tasty meals to keep the hunger at bay and feed some of my comfort needs.

A boring day, not enough time to do what I want and too much time to do what I have to do in order to get paid. The thought of holidays in the sun has been dashed now, flights were booked for a august holiday but they have had to be put on hold since my adult daughter decided to drop the bomb shell that I am no longer a good mum. I would not go with her now if she begged and I am sure the feeling is more than mutual. I have a busy day tomorrow and a painful one where I will be forced to face up to me, I have been told by some very good friends to not take this persons opinions if I dont agree with them. So I wont, fingers crossed I wont cry its been 7 days and counting a long long time for me not to cry on this wonderful thing of a roller coaster....

Easter Monday and the weather fits my mood perfectly. Neither sunny nor dull just in between!

I have to go to work today, now I dont work in the most friendlest organisation in the world it takes a special character to work there and the jury is still out on wether I am one of them that can. Imagine a room filled with 16 people both men and women and then add into the mix a small sense of power (larger with some people, much much larger with others). Then add the final ingredient the members of the public who are always unhappy with having to deal with us. Work a ten hour shift come home, barely have time to relax before bed and then do it all over again for another two days.

I always dread going in for the first day after my days off. I am ok once I get there and if its busy you can shut out the constant drone of other peoples voices, dodge the over the top sprays of perfume (why do they presume we all like what they wear). Then I settle down and do the job. Hopefully it will pass with no events. Well none that involve me.

On wednesday I have to go to talk to someone about why people react to me the way they do. Now if you dont know me apparently I do something give off the small of a skunk or something similar when I walk into a room which makes people either like me or hate me. Maybe they are mis reading the fact that I dont always feel confident and I try to hold my head up high to give the impression I know what I am doing. Maybe just maybe they misread this. Or maybe like a friend I have known for 18 years says, "they wont like you when they get to know you". A nice little throw away comment that has hung around me like a cloak for a decade of my life. I sat in work the other evening feeling fine and to get to that stage after what my loving daughter did to me was nothing short of a miracle. I was sent a message "you look like you have been crying are you ok". No I had not been crying, I am 50 years of age almost and I was doing my job, cant run around laughing I would then be labelled as manic. The messages persisted "are you sure". Well I know the menopause addles my brain but yes my mascara was still insitu, my eyes where not red and my skin all botchy (oh to be able to cry like they do on tv). So you see even if I have not been upset people expect me to have been. Not cried now for 6 days and counting....maybe wednesday will change all that but the woman has me scared stiff already, she does not "do" tears so maybe I wont be allowed to either.....well tough its my party and I will cry if I want to and if I dont want to well I bloody well wont......come back soon.....

Hi my very good friend has talked me into starting a blog so here it is. I dont know the rules or what to do so I am playing it by ear. Please point out any errors kindly....I am feeling a little fragile just now as I am at the age when my emotions swing and I forget things, otherwise known as the start of the menopause!

Now the menopause means different things to different people. Most of my family and friends have gone through the menopause early due to hysterectomys and have been given HRT to keep them sane. I woke up on my 49th birthday to find I was on a roller coaster ride that I could not get off. I duly went to visit my doctor, she said she knew exactly how I felt as she was going through it herself! Well it was very reassuring that a professional lady was still able to hold down a responsible job but could she remember the name of the tablets I needed to take for my hormonal mirgraines??? Could she thump...a short interfal later and she found them listed in one of her books. She calmly advised me that I could not take HRT as I suffer from high blood pressure......what???? I had spent half my life looking forward to being a sex siren with the HRT and now here it was being denied me. I clutched my script for a daily tablet to prevent migraines oh which by the way increases my already massive appetite and the name of a herbal remedy and left the surgery. I have to look both ways before crossing a road, in fact I forget I have looked so have to look more than once these days. I feel my head is full of cotton wool. I am happy to report that the tears do eventually stop, but the feeling that I am a battery hen, gave birth to two children, brought them up and then when my hormones go into over drive I am thrown to the back of the barn out of embarrisment to my eldest child. This blog will cover my highs and lows in a world without a support network. So jump on the rollercoaster, pull down the safety bar and lets get going.....