Nearly my days off

I am shattered, walked into work this morning (in heels) calling at the post office on the way to post some parcels and tax my car (its gone up again). Worked for 10 hours and then walked home (still in heels). Had a quick shower, made some tea, sorted all the animals and the squirrel watched corrie from last night and now its time for bed! Work takes over my life.

Saw my brat of a child with her "fancy" man laughing as if she does not have a care in the world. I really hope she doesn't have any cares but it still hurts to think she can put a work mate before her mam....never mind life goes on.

So far I have only done one item on my list of 5 motivational things for this week. Will complete them all I promise.

Glad to see my boys Manchester United won their match this evening...not sure who I want them to play in the final the jury is still out on that one. They slogged their guts out in the last few minutes, god bless Scholes....

I will have to drag my sorry ass to bed now as my whole body is starting to sieze up and pretty soon I wont make it up the stairs. Been to the doc and she did listen to me, having a barrage of blood tests to see whats going on. She said they may end up testing for MS but need to rule other things out first. They lied when they said life begins at 40 I am nearly 50 and it all went down hill from 40....

night night folks

Five things to motivate me this week

After reading Chrisb's blog I am going to list five things to achieve this week:

1. Pull the weeds up from under the bird table
2. Meet up with my old work mate for lunch and a natter
3. Get the doctor to listen when I tell her my symptoms instead of being rushed and forgetting half of them until I walk out the door.
4. My ironing (well everyone else seems to be doing theirs)
5. Take time to sit with my cats and give them a good brush for the spring

Not very taxing I agree but its a step in the right direction.

I feel old

Well I arrived back from my holiday in dire need of another one! I had a wonderful time with my family and duly arrived at the airport at 4.00am on thursday morning to join a very large queue. Three flights were all checking in at the same desks and there is no room for the very large queue so people zig zag around the terminal. As I reached the front of the queue I told my family to go as they had work to get to and it was a very early start. Two minutes later I was being told that I was not on the list my flight was for the next day! My family by this time had driven off and I had no contact telephone numbers for them. The thought of spending the next 27 hours in the airport reduced me to tears. I was told for the price of £270 I could still get this plane out! I turned them down.

The decision was taken to stay at the airport until the next morning. I booked my suitcase into left luggage had some breakfast and then got the bus into the centre of Warsaw. Armed with a little bit of information and a map I decided to see some sights. The sun was shining and it was like a lovely english summer day. I headed to the Warsaw Uprising Museum something I had wanted to see for a long time. There was a slight problem there I needed the toilet and when I asked I was told there was none! Whilst looking at the exhibits you can hear what sounds like a heart beating, each beat getting louder and louder. At first you hardly notice it, then you can feel the vibrations on the floor it builds up and up until you realise its the sound of bomber planes flying over and then they start to drop bombs. Even though I knew it was "pretend" it made you realise how scarey this would have been in real life. It made me feel sick to the pit of my stomach.

After I left there I went back into the centre. The bus and tram service is great you pay 7.20 pln (just over a pound) and you can hop on and off as many buses and trams as you like. Each bus comes up with the name of the stop on an electric board inside so you can locate where you are. I headed into a very large shopping centre and had some lunch. I had always wanted to visit the museum of science. It looks like a large cake in tiers, very impressive. I had heard the views from the top were magnificent and I decided that I would visit there. After a very quick lift ride to the top the views were indeed magnificent and with the weather being so clear it was well worth the 20pln (approx £4) to get up there.

I finally returned to the airport and spent the rest of my wait loitering between one terminal and the next, viewing planes departing and arriving from the observation deck. I sat in the sun and read a book I had purchased and tried to get comfortable whilst counting down the time.

Finally, it was time to depart. Thankfully I had booked extra leg room seats for only an extre £3.50 each way well worth the money. I arrived home to discover a large sore and itchy rash all over my legs. My skin is so sore to touch despite the rash now having gone.

I did not make it to my friends 50th birthday party, I had only had two hours sleep when I had woken up for something to eat. I decided to go back and sleep until 7pm which would give me an hour to then get ready and go to the party some 20 miles away. Unfortunately, I knocked the alarm off and slept until almost midnight. I am still feeling the affects of little sleep and fighting off a migraine. Tomorrow I will talk about the time with my family....

Sunday bloody sunday again

Tomorrow morning I fly to Warsaw to visit my folks, only for three nights but I am so looking forward to it. Only sad thing is there will be an empty seat next to me where my daughter should have been. However, there is nothing I can do about that, she has her opinions and I have mine and whilst there is some slight room for compromise I dont trust her so it would be pointless. I need to leave her to grow up a bit more and she that life does not have to be either or but with some work you can have it all or almost. I hope one day she realises what it feels like to be told one thing only for another thing to be true. I hope she realises how she humiliated me for her own ends before she would say "mum I need to talk to you". To be lied to over every little thing is a real bitter pill to swollow.

I have, however, gone from strength to strength over the last 7 weeks. I hit rock bottom and she broke my heart pure and simple, but hearts have a way of keeping going and the brain kicks in to make us see reason and step by step little things happen to renew our faith not only in ourselves but in others. I have my network of friends firmly back in place and some new ones have joined in along the way. I feel more confident in my work place, I am keeping myself to myself with regards the bitch fest that goes on in there, I wont be party to any of that anymore. I laugh more and make people laugh more (with me not at me). I have embraced the new computor system in work with gusto and I am soaring with it, whereas some of the know it alls in there are really struggling and the difference was spotted by the right people. I did not have to do a thing just be me. I got a pat on the back yesterday and I did feel proud. Its a step in the right direction of turning around my crappy PDR to a super one next time. So watch this space....

My squirrel is back visiting me, I was so relieved to see she had survived the winter and is looking bright eyed and plump (maybe babies!). She is getting cheekier and cheekier. When I figure out how to add a pic I will do so...but for now I will bid farewell as I have a colour on my hair and if I dont wash it off I will be bald.......

Cant be bothered today

I had planned to do all my chores so I had a free day and now I have I am bored stiff. Woke up feeling in one of those moods where I cant be bothered to do anything. Week two of my diet and I have totally lost the plot, cant see the point in it anymore, if I stick to it to the letter it does not work, if I try and it healthy well balanced food it does not work. The only thing that seems to happen is I keep gaining weight. I was so motivated last week until the weigh in. I enjoy the class but dont like the weigh in I might speak to the teacher and ask if I can skip the weight in and just do the class. After all if I dont want to know what I weigh why should it matter.

Another day

Today has been a much better day, although I have not managed to get to the gym I have been quite productive in one way or another. I finally brought my new travel case out of the boot of the car, its only been in there 15 days. I have so far packed a light weight dressing gown! Lets hope my fuddled brain remembers to pack some more items otherwise it could be embarrishing....(dont think thats spelt right). I am getting more and more excited about flying to Warsaw although two early starts will near on polish me off, going is not as bad as the return that flight departs at 6.10 in the AM!!!! One of my dear relatives sent me a letter one day and instead of saying "Sweetie" it got lost in translation and became "Sweaty" now this name has stuck with my english friends and makes me laugh everytime I hear it. I dont speak much Polish and they dont speak much english and one of my close relatives has sent me an email saying she has a secret love to tell me about. That should be so interesting with a dictionary and lots of miming, but trust me we do get to have a good old gossip. Maybe I will look for a polish love for myself now that would be a turn up for the books!

On the friday I am off to an 50th birthday party in Wigan. I have not seen my friend for approx two years although we do email and chat on the phone. I am looking forward to it. We used to work in a pub together and really got on well. It was strange really because she was not particularly liked in there as she did not appear to have a sense of humour but we found plenty to laugh about together. She is kind and caring and trustworthy and there is a lot to be said for that. I hope I wont feel like a wall flower though as about 120 people will be going and I will only know any that she invited from the pub.

I made some lovely lentil broth today with smoked bacon in it, totally healthy for my diet and very very delicious, I ate the pan full. Lucky for me its no syns but boy I cant wait for winter as it will be a nice warm filling meal with some crusty bread......

Anyway enough of my aimless chatter....I think its time for bed....good night one and all.....

Sunday bloody sunday

Had a poor nights sleep last night, woke at 4am and spent a while tossing and turning...work was going around and around in my head. Why cannot not just keep my mouth shut and my head down and get on with things, why do I always want something and feel the need to stretch my mind. Answers on a postcard please....

I am a regular suffer of migraine, made worse my my up and coming menopause, was having 3-4 a month each lasting for 3 days (never any more and never any less). Doc prescribed a nightly dose to prevent them but warned I might get one or two "break through" ones, well one decided to break through and run for my brain on friday and its just packing its bags ready to vacate again. I went into work feeling lousy and only managed just short of two hours before I decided that it was making things worse and I made my apologies and left. Have spent a lazy afternoon and now as its lifting I get my rush of energy when I feel like I want to clean the house from top to bottom or decorate a room or two. I will contend with doing some housework to save me having to do it tomorrow as thats my first of two days off work and I want to do something different.

The sun is out this evening and I have been watching all the birds who pop into my tiny little garden for food. I am waiting to see the family of babu blue tits that will some descent with mum and dad. Its lovely to watch them call the babies and then proceed to feed each and every one, then as they get older they learn to feed themselves. They fly together in a small swarm and are a delight to listern to with their songs. I have a squirrel called Tilly that visits my garden, I know its her because part of her tail is missing. She tends to come daily but so far this year I have not seen her but nuts have gone out of her special feeder. I hope she comes into view soon.

I am a big softie at heart, I long to live on a narrow boat on a canal with my five cats and nature. Its been my dream for so long, I hope one day it happens.

Saturday night

Another day over and I am beginning to think I just dont get the point of the job I do. I work for the emergency services, the job itself is fine but I just dont get the "team". Dont get me wrong I have worked in teams before, of all ages, I have never struggled so much to understand what makes people tick. Take the team leader, nice enough guy but he must have one sore backside from sitting on the wooden fence. He is ex army and therefore will be a man's man. So the guys in the team are fine as its "all guys together". He has no idea how to work with women of a certain age who know their own minds and like to speak up about injustices in the work place. There are four team leaders altogether, three females and two males. I have had both the males as team leaders. The first one, had such tunnel vision if something did not directly concern him he was oblivious to it. As long as his "stats" made the grade thats all that mattered, a persons well being in the work place was irrelevant. The good thing about him is you could never tell if he liked you or not as he treated you all exactly the same, he was just much happier if everyone got on with the job and left him to do his. The second one is the fence sitter, he has done my PDR and screwed any career I hope to have in the remaining 16 years I have to work. One of the female team leaders is fairly new in post and was best mates with half her team, now if they decided to ignore the work and skive she is not able to say anything to them. She is a really nice person but should never have been put in charge of a team half full of her best mates. One of the other females is a control freak who had serious complaints from her team members and some not in her team and people were leaving naming her as the reason, she has changed dramatically since the last one went as HR intervened. That leaves one more and she is fine, as far as I can see but does have a tendancy to letting people know if she does not like them and will pick on them to make up for her feeling that way. Why do they do the job, each and everyone of them have said "for the money". I want to do my job to get something out of it as well as the money but all I get is frustration. I may as well bang my head against a brick wall. We are all currently in training for a new system and we are given time in twos to practice. I made a suggestion to stream line the time wasted getting organised to do the training which eats into the hour slot we are allocated. My team leader dismissed it. I am not saying I am brill in any way but he could have heard me out and given it a go. I do have a fast array of qualifications and have worked for a top consultant at a hospital, I have brought up two kids alone from the age of 22, I have worked my back off and have experienced a fair bit in my life, but they treat me as if I am old and doddery and just fit to answer the phone, take my wages and go home. The job is not good for my health and it certainly is not bringing the best out in me. To be labeled arguementative on your PDR is like kicking the chair away from a hanging man - the end...

Other than that I have a mirgraine, the reason I have put so much weight on of late is that I currently take medication nightly to prevent migraines, the side effect is weight increase. I have not had a migraine since 20 Feb but was warned break through ones would happen. So I am double pissed I am fatter and my head still bloody hurts......

I will attempt to get back and say hi to the good friends of kates that have dropped by to say hello. Please do carry on and I will figure out how to reply to you on my next rest day which is monday. Only just over a week to go till I fly to Warsaw to see my kin folk....I hope it will be an enjoyable restful for days...

Diets bloody diets

Well I was unable to bring myself to blog last night, I was mortified that I had stuck to my new diet regime to the letter, not an unplanned morsel of food passed my lips, I sweated it out at the gym and the result!!!!! A half a bloody pound off! What I said..............how come the first week is suppose to be a good loss of mostly water am I the sarhara dessert all of a sudden? I was ready to jack it in there and then but got talking to one of the regulars at the class, Janet you were a saviour. Then in walked another newbe and she had lost, wait for it (or weight for it....see that little pun there, god you still have your humour dont you girl) anyway I digress she lost 10lb in one week her first week!!!! Now dont get me wrong I was pleased for her (yeah right) but were did my weight loss go???? Teacher checked my food sheet were every item was clearly listed and yes I had done everything correctly so why no loss. I am still dieting and the teacher said give it a few weeks to see but tonight for the first time I want to cut a big piece of lancashire cheese and eat it with some vine rippened tomatoes....but I wont I am going to loose this weight before I turn 50 if it kills me!

Back at work today, I was bored stiff after an hour. I checked my emails and caught up on new working directives and then I was ready for home. I have come to the conclusion that this job does absolutly nothing for me, it brings out the worst in me at times and I have been told today I need to become more detached from people and treat them as if they are not real. For god sakes I work for the emergency services its a bit much to have to treat people like they dont exist.

I had my PDR (Personal development review). Now this can make or break your career and to be totally honest with you mine has just sealed my fate of never being able to move out of the department that I am in. I felt like I was getting a really bad school report. I like to do a job well, I thrive on pushing myself and trying to do this right and learn from my mistakes but on paper I look like I am a non team player. Like I said to my team leader, "you cant be a team player if the team dont let you play". I dont know where its all gone wrong, my first PDR with this company different department said my best attribute was my personality as I got on with people from all levels and this one is saying I have personality clashes, I made him add a bit more on it though to soften it a bit and he assures me I am not the only one with that on their record. I get frustrated in the work place, I like to be busy and I like to do a job well. I also like to treat people as I would like them to treat me. Its not a lot to ask for, yet in this job I feel that despite having a wealth of knowledge born about through being nearly 50 and bringing two kids up on my own whilst working and studying to get my list of qualifications that I am just there to get paid and not get anything back from the job. I dont know the answer to this problem at all and think should I just look for work outside the organisation but I am suddenly trapped in the money web, which a lot of disgruntled and miserable staff are, we get paid more money then we would elsewhere and its hard to take a large pay cut especially the likes of me who lives alone. Oh I long for some peace of mind....

Thanks to those that have left comments on my blog, I have tried to return the honours but on some there is no link for me to comment on, bare with me and I am sure my good friend will point me in the right direction.

Wednesday weigh in

Not written for a few days, I have been off working and taking time out for me. I have been doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it and sticking to my diet and gym plan. Tonight's the weigh in lets see if I have lost any of the 51lb I want to lose.

Back at work tomorrow and I will be glad to get back into a routine, I enjoy a few days off but would not like every day to be the same.

Checked my internet banking last night to discover that the lovely people from N power had taken my extremely high direct debit out of my account twice! I am in the process of changing supplier (its now gone through so they decided to grab an extra payment. When I advised them that the idea was to bill the final amount to the customer he very sheepishly agreed to refund it. Cheeky monkeys. A word of warning N power customer services leaves a lot to be desired.....

Not long to go till I fly off on my hols for a few days to Europe to see my family, they say the weather is nice but a bit windy so I suppose its just like here.

Had one of those days where when you try to do something it has a knock on effect and you end up having to do more, i.e made a brew and left it to go cold as I was putting together a casserole for tea. So I made a fresh brew and finally say down to drink it, the cat wanted to sit on the arm of the sofa so I moved a magazine for him which slipped knocked the full brew over and ended up soaking my fire side rug which I then put directly into the wash only to spill fabric softner all down the front of the cupboard. My own fault I try to do too much at once.
Moral of the story, make a brew and drink it, sod the casserole and have a takeaway...

Sunday Evening

Not written for a few days, things are getting better in my world. First of all I am going great with my slimming world. I actually taste the food now and not just give a quick chew and then swallow it. I treated myself (within my allowance) to a packet of fruit gums, they have never tasted so good. I indugled in each and every one and really enjoyed the flavour. Boy I cant wait for the next time!

I have never eaten so much healthy food, having a dent in my pocket but only until I get sorted with the things I need to have in. I am scared in case I get hungry and eat the bad things due to not having the right things in stock. Although I have never felt hungry yet. I just hope the scales show I have lost something as it feels I am not dieting.

Not done a lot today, I am off work until thursday, I had a good sleep dreamt I was cuddling the guy off Homes under the Hammer (martin) which was very pleasant for me at least. Had a lazy day and listed items to sell on ebay. I upgraded my mobile the other day and never thought about selling my old one until a girl in work showed an interest. Did not want to sell it to someone I know because as soon as something goes wrong she would be pestering me. I have previously sold my old ones to a company on the internet and found it very lucrative. Decided to shop around a bit and got offered £81 for it!!!!! I would have been happy with £40 so I am well chuffed. I just have to post it to them and wait for the cash to come rolling in.

Off to Warsaw in two weeks and at first I was not looking forward to it and now I cant wait it will be great to see my father's family again and maybe learn more about my dad.

For those of you that dont know my dad came over to england after the war and worked as a coal miner until he became sick with cancer he died aged 46 and had never got to see his family since he left due to the communist rule. It was sad that he never returned as there are some lovely places in Poland. I was only a child when he died and slowly I am piecing together bits of his life and seeing photographs of relatives no longer with us and it makes me feel closer to my dad. He escaped going to a concentration camp, although not jewish he was a strong young male who was required by the germans to assist in whatever they wanted him to do, he managed to escape and survive but god alone knows what terrors he witnessed and I will never know, but I loved him with all my heart and still miss him to this day.....

Enough for now...time for another brew me thinks....

The start of a new me

Joined Slimming world last night, my clothes were getting more and more uncomfotable and it was time to take control. I stayed to class and the time flew, gathered all the information I needed and with my new found motivation I have started. I was up at a decent time this morning as I had a GP appointment so after a light breakfast I dressed for the gym and called in for my visit to the Doctor. Appears I have a chest infection, so the pains I feel in my back are not my team mates sticking pins in me! I could havev side swerved the gym on hearing this but I decided to go and see how I got on. I did a total of 55 minutes cardiovascular work and took it slowly as not been for over a month. I feel very motivated and have pencilled in gym time for all the next week, however, work commitments prevent me going friday and saturday but fingers crossed I will stay motivated. Do not want to be fat and fifty which is fast approaching...

I am working on being better on the inside and the outside to give the whole package to me for me if you know what I mean, I am not doing it for anyone other than ME!

I have 9 months to get into shape for my 50th....all support appreciated....I caught sight of my near naked body in the mirror last night on route from the bathroom to the bedroom! shock horror I thought someone was following me around but it was my massive rear.....it has to go not all of it but my target is 51lbs. I can only benefit from that...

Another day over and two days off up ahead. Not a bad day today at work, I have started to build the boundaries in work as I was advised. I was busy working away when one of my team "mates" decided to poke her nose in to what I was doing. The same team "mate" that refused to budge her car for near on 30 mins to allow a stafff member to park. Lucky for me for once the Team leader was listening and he agreed with me (although he did not voice it aloud to her) that she had no right poking her snout in. Upshot was she started immediately sending notes around to another team mate (Lynn get a life I am not stupid). But revenage is sweet, there was a lot of comings and goings of me with the boss and lots of laughter between me and him and she was breaking her neck trying to find out what it was about. My boss knows full well I want my privacy protecting in there and we dont give the likes of her an inch. It may not sound much but god it was bloody good fun.

I am so tired today though, I finished work at 3pm and thought I would be ok for a chilling night but as soon as I sat down to watch tv I started to nod and now getting a headache so think I need to occupy my mind for a bit and stay awake a bit longer then get a good nights sleep. Tomorrow I start at Slimming World, I have been piling on the pounds and my clothes are getting tight so the flab needs to go. I am hoping that combining slimming world with 4 trips minimum a week to the gym will help me get sorted. I feel very motivated and like this new "dont suffer fools me"....

Going to make a brew and call a friend for a catch up natter.....Kate hurry up and get your phone back so I can chat!!!!