Monday

Only one more day to work and then I have two days off, yipee.....to give you an idea of the type of people I work with there is Lynn she moans a lot, and I mean a lot. Nothing is ever good, happy or funny in her world. She is the size of a malnourished twigglet because she lives on tea and fags and for a woman of her age its not attractive to be so thin your own heart will start eating itself. Well she was kindly asked to move her car back a very slight touch to allow another staff member from a different department to park in front of hers. (Parking is at a premium at work). She decided to "make them wait", she was reminded ten minutes later and ranted on about how cheeky it was blah blah blah. Was she busy during this time I hear you ask? No she was sat moaning about nothing in particular other than how cheeky this person was asking her to move HER car and why should she etc etc. After 25 minutes (whilst the staff member was sat waiting in her car to park I may add). She decided to go and move it. Now there is a twist to this story, the staff member was none other than my daughter. I did not get involved as we are daggers drawn at present after she told me she wanted to make her own mistakes and I was an unfit mother etc. The staff member could have been anyone and I strongly believe that Lynn had no right whatsoever to treat another person that way. I ended up emailing the Manager and advising him that the petty ways of people like her are what makes the job so horrible. So I got it off my chest. Now put the boot on the other foot and if I had done that to her or her child she would have been livid. Whats the morale of the story. TREAT PEOPLE AS YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED YOURSELF. Its not hard have compassion and caring and think before you bloody well speak.

I had a short chat with Jo a really nice young bubbly person who started the same time as I did. She works on a different team but in the same department. She was saying how miserable she felt and its not the actually job its the bloody selfish people. She said she was struggling to talk to people as she felt her face did not fit (something I have had problems with). We decided that team leaders are not worth the paper they are written on, some are too friendly with staff and cannot discipline them, others are not people persons and some are just plain wet! Jo's answer is to look for alternative employment. So the firm will lose a good decent person and leave the crap behind to annoy me. I dont know what the answer is, I am too old pension wise to start elsewhere but know I feel frustrated and unrespected by most of my "team". God help us if there is ever a third world war, they would be queuing up to grass you to the enemy....rant over.....

Saturday night

Saturday evening and all is well, my little furry friends (the cats) are all asleep and the house is nice and quiet for a change. My friend in work told me her little cat got run over on friday evening. She had not had her long, she rescued her from undesirables and had just had her seen to at the vets. Thats the reason my babies are all house cats, I could not bear the thought of them being run over my some speed merchant. I have a responsiblity to them and I will care for them to the best of my ability. They have a box full of toys (and they help themselves when they want). They have beds all over the house and two of the girls even sleep in the warm airing cupboard from time to time. Goodnight god bless Kitty....

An uneventful day at work, oops that reminds me clocks go forward so thats a 4am start instead of a 5am start.....think I will leave it as long as humanly possible and then rush off to work at the last minute lucky for me my hair is short as it wont take long to dry....

I kept myself to myself at work, spoke when spoken to and got on with my job the rest of the time. Heard on the grapevine that my daughter has been to the doctor suffering dizzy spells, whilst she will always be my daughter she can look after herself after all thats what the major fall out was over.

I seem to be struggling keeping on top of my day to day chores. My house seems to be getting cluttered, my paperwork and things to do were piling up, just been on internet banking and paid all my monthly bills, my cupboards are stocked with my montly food. They are so full you cant find anything. I need to get motivated and get going on it all but I have been up and on the go since 5am or just after this morning. Come wednesday my next day off I will blitz the place as I cant stand clutter it makes me stressed and tired.

Where are all the people out there in cyber space, come read my blogs and chat.....

Well almost the end of the day and after the lousy start it has manged to redeem itself.

I met my friend S..... we worked together a while ago and at the time did not seem to have an lot in common but we met for lunch and it lasted three hours! We have a lot more in common than I ever realised and lunch was great. We talked and talked and she has been a really good tower of strength for me. We are both single parents who never got any help off our ex partners and whist our kids are grown she made me realise were I am going wrong, its like a big flashing beacon I have no respect from my kids or most of the people at work. I have no problems with the people that know me well they respect me and its so much easier to be with them. I have a massive mountain to scale and right now I dont have the energy but I will get there.

Friends are the nicest things in the whole world to have, I am fortunate that whilst I have neglected mine of late when I needed them each and every true friend has been there for me. I trust them with my life and know that I will not let time or distance get in the way again. I will make the effort for them as they do for me. Thank you.

Now I really need my bed, might be menopausal but my womb and ovaries have forgotten that today and it feels like there is an elephant kicking around in my insides.....so its a hot drink of milk, some pain killers and watching tv in bed with my cat by my side.....such bliss on a friday night.....so one and all I bid you goodnight for tomorrow is another day (and I have to be up at 5am for work).

A sleepless night

Not too good a day today, I was so sleepy last night I struggled to stay awake. Had 30 mins of sleep then woke up and struggled to get back to sleep. Late at night in the darkness is the time for all your worries and cares to come flooding back. The more I tried to shut them out the more they banged on the door to be let in. I ended up going over all the things my daughter had said about me and have let the negative stuff drag me down today. It was almost 4am before I shut my eyes again only to endure not such pleasant dreams. I have had to force myself to gt out of bed as I am meeting an old work mate for lunch. All the things I was told the other day about nurturing me and not caring what people think about me is right there sat at the forefront of my mind. There is not enough time in the day to change 49 years of negative thoughts and to be honest how do you change? How can you start thinking your a nice person if you dont believe it? How do you stop silently judging people and how come they have the authority to judge me but I am not suppose to care about that.....I am so confused, lack of sleep and meds that make me sleepy do not help the situation at all. The rain is pouring down and I flit from anger at my daughter to upset that she felt that she had to tell others how she felt about me before she told me. How can people who treat othes badly sleep easy at night whilst I try my hardest to treat people the right way struggle to sleep at night also!

Well its pay day and I have a long list of items to stock the cupboards, by the time midnight comes I will be broke again. There is far too much of the wrong things in this world.

Well so far my plans to get up early and go to the gym lasted all of five seconds. I over slept and have just eaten my breakfast now and its 12.30! My house is a tip and people that know me know that I wont do anything on the pleasure side until my chores are done. Come to think of it that is a trait I inherited from my mother. I remember sunday morning, my sisters and I were woken to the Warsaw Concerto blasting as a wake up call. We were given chores for the day and all worked together to get them done whilst the dinner cooked. We would be starving (well not really but it seemed it) and could smell the roast dinner cooking away. But boy was it worth it when dinner was served and then we were left to do our own thing. I have to say the meal was more enjoyable as we knew all are chores were done and the reward was the lovely meal.

I have decided to have a go at making some tasty soups that are wholesome and easy to transport to work for my lunch or teas as I am eating far too much bread and its all piling up around my middle. I found some receipes that my sister had written down that look so easy, just throw the items into the slow cooker and wait! So i have my little list and I will make a nice lamb broth today and let you know how it goes. Cheap and cheerful, if its healthy and tasty as well I cant go wrong.

I am off on my hols soon, I was not looking forward to it until yesterday, I was due to go with my daughter but from previous posts you will know we fell out big style. I decided to still go as we were staying with family abroad so I wont be on my own. It will be sad looking at her seat next to mine on the plane, but at least I wont have anyone sat next to me! I will get some TLC which is just what I need right now.

Each day gets better, I am only taking one day at a time and I know things will go down hill on some occasions. I tell you what hacks me off big style though, the organisation that I work for is worse then the secret service they know EVERYTHING that you do. I had my trip to welfare yesterday that was suppose to be between me and my manager and my supervisor knew but only as I had told him in confidence. I walked in and the acting supervisor KNEW where I had been and started asking in front of the office "do you feel better for that" "has it made a difference". Christ they put imberciles doing the job of adults. I was not happy and told the supervisor who came out with some story that he had to tell him. Sorry but BOLLOCKS! This acting supervisor is mates with my bloody daughter, can you see were I am going on this. I have told my supervisor that one day my daughter and I will talk it may be years but we will talk and if he has divulged my private business to her his head will roll. Why oh why cant people keep the mouths shut, they see it as knowledge is power. Sod off its just being a nosey get. OOppps was getting on my soap box there, its ok I have climbed down now.

Right my chores await and I need to do some before I can enjoy my day off, tomorrow I have my massive monthly shop to do and I need to get a hair cut and meet my friend for lunch so it will be busy. I am aiming to attend the gym for a class tomorrow early evening so keep posted I might just make it!

Not long back from my visit that I was dreading (all to do with work) apparently I need to set boundaries and change the way I think about people. I need to put me first and foremost and let others get on with their own problems. Oh and I need to learn to relax. So I will be trying to sort myself inside and out and see if I can be the happier person I want to be. Apparently noone will love you unless you love yourself and we have to leave our children to make their own mistakes but its ok not to be there to clean up the mess they make afterwards. I broke my record on days without tears but there were no where near as many as I can produce and I have no headache! I have been taken off shifts for 4 weeks, have to work 9-5, yippe gets me out of full nights yet again!! So folks anyone reading this let me know if you see a change in me (for the better of course).

I am skiving now I was due to have my two appointments and then if I was ok to go to work. I would have had an hour then broke for lunch, I decided to come home and go in after lunch and get some continuity in my day.

Now the serious stuff, I am being guided on how to do this blog thing, I love reading other peoples, pity most of them are in a language I cant understand but the photos look brill. My good friend (you know who you are) is guiding me and has told me to leave comments on peoples blogs so watch out you lot I am coming. Any guidance greatfully received and if you just want to say hello or that my posts are intesting, boring or whatever drop me a line and I promise I will reply. In other words welcome into my world. I can guarantee I can talk....
hope to speak to you all later....

see ya

Just finished work, this evening I have been called "bastard pig", and "stupid bloody woman" amongst other things. Oh the joy of being in work.

One more day until my days off and then I am going to hit the gym. My clothing is getting very tight, there has to be more than comfort eating in my life. I have decided to try and heat healthy meals and not fill up on crap. Its nearly pay day and I have compiled a list of food items that should enable me to make tasty meals to keep the hunger at bay and feed some of my comfort needs.

A boring day, not enough time to do what I want and too much time to do what I have to do in order to get paid. The thought of holidays in the sun has been dashed now, flights were booked for a august holiday but they have had to be put on hold since my adult daughter decided to drop the bomb shell that I am no longer a good mum. I would not go with her now if she begged and I am sure the feeling is more than mutual. I have a busy day tomorrow and a painful one where I will be forced to face up to me, I have been told by some very good friends to not take this persons opinions if I dont agree with them. So I wont, fingers crossed I wont cry its been 7 days and counting a long long time for me not to cry on this wonderful thing of a roller coaster....